When I placed a cheerful little gnome on my lawn, I didn’t expect it to spark a war with Josh, my grumpy, superstition-obsessed neighbor. But one glare, one threat, and the battle lines were drawn—right between my rose bushes and his perfect hedges.
The morning sun melted into the dew, painting my front lawn in pale gold.
The grass was still damp and soft under my bare feet, the earth cool from the night before.
I stood there for a while, just soaking in the quiet, the kind of quiet that only shows up before the neighborhood wakes.
In my hands was the most delightful little gnome I’d ever seen—rosy-cheeked, arms wide open, with a thick beard and a green hat that drooped just a little to one side.
He looked like he’d walked straight out of a bedtime story and onto my lawn.
His ceramic face was painted with the gentlest smile, like he knew things I didn’t and wasn’t about to tell.“I think right here,” I whispered, crouching down beside the rose bushes. The petals were still curled from the morning chill.
I gently set the gnome in the grass, turning him just slightly so he faced the street, like a tiny guardian of my home.
That’s when I heard it. The screen door next door screeched open, loud and rusty like a warning.
“Mary,” came a gravelly voice, dipped in disdain, the kind that made you feel like you’d done something wrong even when you hadn’t.
“What in the blazes is that?”
I sighed before turning. Of course it was Josh. My neighbor.
Always grumpy, always watching.
He trimmed his bushes like he was preparing for a military inspection and once yelled at a squirrel for digging up his petunias.
“It’s a gnome, Josh. Isn’t he cute?” I asked, smiling brightly just to see if he’d squint harder.
Josh stepped closer, his eyes narrowed.“They’re bad luck,” he snapped.
“Gnomes. Nasty little omens. I’ve read about ’em. Seen what they do.”
“You’ve read about gnomes?” I lifted an eyebrow.
“Let me guess. Internet forum for angry lawn keepers?”
He didn’t laugh. Didn’t even blink. Just stood there, arms crossed tight across his chest.
“I’m telling you. If that thing stays on the front lawn, don’t blame me when misfortune comes knocking.”
I leaned down and gave the gnome a loving pat.
And just like that, he turned on his heel and disappeared into his house.
The wind picked up, rustling the roses. I looked at the gnome again. Somehow, his little smile seemed wider.
The next morning started off quiet—too quiet.
No birdsong, no humming lawnmowers, not even the usual barking from the Johnsons’ dog two doors down. Instead, a strange scent drifted into my kitchen
I wrinkled my nose and pushed open the back door, letting the screen slam behind me.
I stood there, blinking in the sunlight, trying to make sense of what I was smelling. Then I saw it.
Josh’s yard looked like it had been taken over by some strange camping ritual.
Hanging from trees, porch hooks, and even his flagpole were small metal lanterns, each swaying gently in the morning breeze.
From every one of them, gray smoke rose and curled through the air, thick as soup and sliding straight toward my house.
The smoke didn’t float up—it drifted sideways. Right into my open windows, my laundry on the line, and my very soul.
“What in tarnation are you doing?” I barked, stepping closer to the hedges that separated our yards.
Josh stepped out from his back porch, calm as a cat in the sun. He looked proud, like he’d just built a pyramid or invented fire.
“These,” he said, holding his arms out like a game show host, “are sacred smudging lanterns. Used by tribes to cleanse evil spirits.”
He grinned like the devil in church.
“Wind’s in your direction all day. I checked the weather. Science works wonders.”
I stared at him, eyes watering.
“Game on, Josh. Game very much on.”
I marched back into my house, grabbed my car keys, and drove straight to the garden store. If Josh wanted a fight, I’d give him a gnome parade.
The war had officially begun.
By noon, the sun hung straight above like a spotlight, and my mood matched its brightness.
My little army of gnomes stood strong and cheerful in the yard, each one with a different expression.
The Elvis gnome even seemed to be winking at the mailman. It was silly, sure, but I felt proud. They gave my yard character—my kind of character.
Then came the knock.
A woman stood there, tall and stiff, wearing a navy pantsuit that didn’t wrinkle and sunglasses that looked expensive.
She held a clipboard like it was a sword.
“HOA inspection,” she said, flat as a pancake. Her voice had all the joy of someone who ruins kids’ lemonade stands for fun.
“We’ve received a complaint.”
I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow.
“Let me guess,” I said slowly. “Josh?”
She didn’t respond. Not a nod, not a word. Instead, she turned on her heel and started walking around my yard like she was rating a beauty pageant for lawns.
